


Don't Push Me Away

by Donovanspen



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Lack of Communication, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, loss of magic, panic attack (mentioned)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 14:27:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17830289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donovanspen/pseuds/Donovanspen
Summary: Magnus can feel the distance between them and is determined to find out why.





	Don't Push Me Away

Sometimes it was hard loving someone who shared a soul with someone else. He knew what he was signing up for when he pursued the young Shadowhunter, and it had been a worthwhile pursuit, most definitely. But there were still times when his insecurities got the best of him. Unfortunately, now was one of those times. Alexander had been quiet and withdrawn, and Magnus had no idea what was wrong or how to reach him. Of course, he had tried the direct approach, only to receive a wide smile and a kiss along with reassurances that everything was fine.

He almost believed him, but the little things started adding up. Alexander was spending more time at the Institute. When he did return to the loft, it was late, and he was tired, only to leave early the next morning. Alec would spend just enough time there to say he’d been there but nowhere near enough to truly connect with Magnus. He would check in with brief texts throughout the day, but those brief interchanges left Magnus feeling lonelier than had Alexander not contacted him at all.

So here he was, sitting across from his lover’s parabatai, asking for help.

“Jace, I know something is going on.”

“What has Alec said?” Jace hedged.

Magnus sighed and wondered if he was wasting his time. It was humiliating enough that he had to ask Jace to lunch for no other reason than to find out what Alexander wouldn’t share willingly with him, but he wasn’t prepared to beg. “He says he’s fine, and then he goes to great lengths to avoid spending time with me and deflects any type of serious conversation.” Damn his emotions and the soft hitching of his voice. He was just about to get up and walk out when Jace spoke, his voice low and serious.

“Alec loves you. Don’t ever doubt that.”

Had he been that obvious?

“Look,” Jace continued. “Alec isn’t good with expressing how he feels when he’s … unsettled. He’s very open with the ones he loves, and he makes sure you know that you’re loved and that he would do anything for you. But he kind of sucks when it comes to asking for help. It’s not easy for him. It’s not easy for any of us, but it’s harder for him.”

“Help with what?” Magnus was lost. Alexander had always come to him when he needed help. When did that change?

_When you lost your magic_ , the little voice in his head replied.

Jace studied him for a moment before leaning forward to rest his arms against the table. “He hasn’t told me, either. I can just feel that he’s unsettled. Alec will always have my back and support me, and we do talk. But when he’s upset or hurting, he shuts me out as well. I think it’s how he was raised, always looking out for us. He’ll come to us for advice sometimes, but he’ll never just unload. Izzy and I always assumed that you were the person he confided in.”

“Yeah, I thought so as well, but it seems things have changed.” He sees the guilt on Jace’s face, and he gives a quick shake of his head. “Don’t. I have no regrets, and I expect you to honor my decision.”

“I do. I’m trying,” he amended. “It was a huge sacrifice.”

“You’re an honorable man, Jace. Would you have done any less?”

“No,” he sighed.

“Then don’t do me the dishonor of questioning me, of treating me like I’m incapable of that type of love and sacrifice.”

“That’s not what I meant.  Your worth is not the one I’m questioning.”

“To question it at all does the same thing.”

Jace nodded. “Fair enough. You know he’s trying to find a way to get your magic back.”

“I had suspected. So it’s about the magic.”

“Yes and no,” Jace said. “Yes because it’s a part of you, and we never wanted you to be in the position to have to make that sacrifice. And no, Alec isn’t doing this or pulling away because you no longer have it. If I had to guess, it’s because he’s feeling probably what I feel.”

“Which is?”

“Unworthy of the sacrifice you made.”

Magnus rubbed his hands across his eyes, hoping the ache there didn’t turn into a full-fledged headache. “You Nephilim,” he muttered. “I spent a good portion of my life trying not to die by your hand, and now I seemed doomed to suffer your misguided emotions.”

“Could be worse,” Jace shrugged.

Magnus appreciated the light words. They had their moments, but he and Jace shared a deep respect for one another outside of their connection to Alexander. “I’d rather not tempt fate, but I do need one more favor from you.”

“Well, since you’re buying lunch, it would be rude to say no.”

Magnus couldn’t help the small laugh that slipped free. It felt good, and he was grateful for the effort Jace was making. “I need to talk to Alexander. Can you cover any minor issues may that pop up tonight?”

“Yeah, sure.  But hey, don’t give up on him, ok? You’re probably the only one he’ll open up to, but it may take him a minute.”

“Believe me, I have no intention of letting your brother’s stubbornness ruin our relationship.”

 

 

It was well after midnight by the time Alec returned to the loft. Most of Magnus’ good intentions had dissipated around 9pm. He was tired, and more than cranky. He knew from checking in with Jace that nothing pressing had come up, nothing that would cause his boyfriend to miss dinner and come home at such a late hour.

“Oh hey, I didn’t think you’d still be up,” Alec said when he entered the dimly lit bedroom and saw Magnus sitting up in the bed.

“Obviously,” Magnus snapped.

“I’m sorry. Did you get my message? I told you I’d be late and not to wait up.”

“Oh yes, although I can’t imagine what could possibly be keeping you all this time.”

“Well, I…”

“Alexander, stop. I have no interest in being lied to tonight. You’re welcome to stay, but I would prefer if you slept in the guest room.”

“What? Magnus, come on. I said I was sorry.” Alec took a step forward but stopped at the glare Magnus shot his way. “Please.”

And that little hitch in his voice almost did him in. Almost but not quite.  No, it was the slump of his shoulders, as if the weight of the world had just descended upon him. In that moment, Alec’s mask slipped, and Magnus could clearly see the weariness that he had been trying so hard to keep hidden. “I can’t help if you push me away.”

Alec let out a deep sigh and came around and sat on the side of the bed next to Magnus. “You always help me. It’s not fair for me to ask so much from you.”

“No, darling. It’s not fair for you to pull away to the point where I question whether you even want to be with me anymore.”

Alec frowned and shook his head. “I will always want you. I’m so sorry I made you doubt me.”

“Alexander, talk to me.”

Alec dropped his gaze and started running his fingers across the comforter.  “I still feel it,” he whispered after a moment, reaching up and briefly touching his chest before dropping his hand again.

Magnus immediately knew what he meant. He should have suspected, but he had been so overwhelmed with his own loss, and Alec had always been good with putting up a front. “How long?” he asked.

“Couple weeks. Everything was fine, and then it wasn’t. Whenever I pick up my bow, my hand shakes. If I think about that night, I can’t catch my breath and my chest aches. I’ve been coming in late and leaving early because I didn’t want you to know that I couldn’t sleep. The late hours are spent trying to find a way to get your magic back and trying to practice with my bow.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Alec looked up at him. “You’ve just started to adjust to not having your magic. You weren’t eating or sleeping, and you were finally starting to work through it. I wasn’t going to take that away from you.”

“Alexander, I had help. You. Catarina.  Who’s been helping you?” He already knew the answer as he knew Alec would never share this with Jace or Izzy.

“This is what I’m trained to do. I can’t let one fight get in my head.”

“Sweetheart, you were stabbed in the chest by your demon-possessed parabatai.” Alec flinched as if Magnus had struck him. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be callous, but this wasn’t some routine patrol that you can just shrug off. When you thought Jace was in trouble, you were there for him. You even encouraged him to seek help. Why won’t you let us be there for you?”

Alec shook his head. “It would destroy Jace if he knew about this. After everything that’s happened, he’s finally got some peace. I won’t take that away from him.”

“Well, he knows something is up, and he knows you’re shutting him out.”

“I still can’t tell him.”

“Well, am I allowed to help?”

Alec gave him a slow nod, and Magnus could understand his hesitation. It was never easy showing your vulnerabilities.

“Why don’t you go take a hot shower, and I’ll make us a couple of toddies?” Magnus suggested.

Alec agreed, and Magnus set about making the drinks. They had done this in the past when one of them had been restless, and it usually settled them down enough to where they could sleep. He wasn’t convinced it would work tonight, but he figured it was a good place to start.

By the time Alec emerged from the bathroom, Magnus had already placed their mugs on their respective nightstands and had dimmed the lights. He stripped out of his night clothes and was relieved when Alexander tossed his towel in the hamper and crawled under the covers. He immediately gathered him in his arms, twining their legs together. He loved how Alec felt fresh from the shower, skin all warm and soft.

“I’m sorry,” Alec murmured, his face hidden against Magnus’ neck.

Magnus pulled back just enough to see Alec’s face and tapped his chin until he lifted his head. “Don’t be. None of this is easy. My insecurities got the best of me, and I jumped to conclusions. But I promise you I won’t break. Don’t keep things from me because you feel I can’t handle it, ok?”

“Ok,” Alec replied, burrowing back into Magnus’s arms.

They were both so broken, but for the first time in a long while, Magnus felt a little bit of peace.

 


End file.
